Sadness

So tonight the ex drove down and dropped off the rest of the remnants of the old life. As usual, he tried to throw in some crap he didn't want but was to lazy to haul to the dump. This time I was on to the plan and hauled it all the way back to his truck and told him to take it back with him. This is not the dump.

He did that "Oh my, are you sure you don't want this priceless artifact of your previous life, that is now broken and of no use to me?" I just walked away.

Still no job. Still the house isn't listed. Though he found time to go to the Seafair Pirates arrival on Alki beach. Good to know he has his priorities straight.

Tonight I'm not so fine. My heart is so broken it is unbelievable that I can still be alive and walking. It isn't so much that I want him back, because I know that I don't, it is just that everything seems wrapped in memories of us. This house, the kid, my life, everything. I go through my days and they are fine. Not awesome, but not bad. But what happens in September when the kid heads off to college? At this age how do I start all over again? Will it come to me piece by piece? Is it something I should already know? How do I make friends? How do I start to build another life? Why is it so easy for him and so hard for me?

Questions upon questions. They flood my mind and my every waking thoughts. I don't mind being alone. I like myself just fine. I have many interests to keep me occupied. It just seems that the world is paired up. Either people already have it, or they are searching for it. What happens to the people who don't want it again? where do they go?

On Monday, my (old) house will be staged and listed for a fast sale. A house I spent 16 years in. A house I remodeled. A house I raised my son in. A house I built for the long run. I tell my self it is just a house, everything that meant anything is where I reside now. All that we are, all that we love, we carry inside with us. I believe that. It's just tonight I think sadness is blocking the view of it.

P.S.: I leave you with some pictures of Olive. The kid found his camera stuff and spent some time outside snapping photos of Olive. They are fantastic. She is a beautiful dog. It is a shame that she is so annoying.

Karma Gods

I have done something in my past to really piss off the karma gods!

I feel like I am in the ring with a heavy weight and I was simply a passerby who got thrown in the mix for fun. I am not having fun while I am getting my ass kicked on a daily basis.

Making a new life is all well and good. I'm enjoying my part of it. What I don't enjoy is the remnants of the old one. Still having to deal with a freak of nature most days almost brings me to my knees. Bills aren't getting paid. The house isn't getting listed with a real estate agency. Though he did find time to have a bbq with people he met on line and someone named Tangerine.

So we are tied together like two rabid dogs. I know it won't be like this forever, eventually the divorce will be final, the decree will show up and I can finally be finished with the biggest moron to walk the earth. But Oh My God, it is a slow process. And a very frustrating one.

The worst part isn't all of the aggravation or bizarre behavior. No, it is the feeling that maybe he was like this from the very beginning and I didn't notice it. Or I somehow caused it. And then I added a kid to the equation. What will be the repercussions for him? I worry the most about this. I try and run a calm, orderly, loving home. Dinners, rules, humor, pets, and a ton of love. All of this I provide in huge quantities in the hope that it will offset some of the negatives. Who knows if it will work. I hope and pray it will.

I hold firm to the belief that I will come out the other side battered and weary but ultimately stronger and taller. None of us know what the future holds for us. Right now mine holds chaos and uncertainty. But it won't always.

I just hope that the change comes a little bit quicker.

What I am doing!

Hello!

Did you miss me?

Since we last spoke. I have turned 46 - OH MY GOD! Had a garage sale. Broke a toe nail clean off. Joined facebook. Picked up the garbage from my garbage cans 7 nights in a ROW because the raccoons know how to open cans. Even cans with stupid bungee cords laced around them. Even I can't open my own garbage cans but the coons can. We breed them friggin brilliant down here.

Had 20 arguments with the kid. Bought out all the chicken wire in a 100 mile radius only to discover that Olive can still escape the yard. Watched the does with their fawns, all of them have twins this year and they are so super cute. Met most of Seaside. Gone for lots of walks on the beach. Decided I should have divorced the moron years ago. Came to the conclusion that you can have two many purses and/or shoes. Decided I should have divorced the moron decades ago. Remembered how much I adore sleep. Wish I could adore it while in my bed, as opposed to in my garage setting out crap, I mean beautiful items, for the garage sale.

Yep, I have been busy. Yep, I am moving right along. Yep, this new phase of my life, as hard as it is, TOTALLY 100% kicks ass! I am the luckiest person in the world. Also, the tiredest. But I will take it. It suits me.

See you every day this week!

What have you been doing?

Moving

I have started to pack. It sucks, Big time.

The books alone in the basement took me a whole day. It is like seeing old friends again. Some of the books are from my childhood with my name scribbled in the front page. Some I like so much I own a bijallion copies. Some I forgot I owned so, I bought them again. Now they all lay scattered on the floor, counters, chairs, awaiting packing boxes. They are truly beautiful and I love them. I am going to love them more when they are packed and moved. And they reside on shelves. Shelves that need to be built. But they will be with me and that is enough for now.

The kid is excited. I can't decide if he is truly excited or is being nice to me because I have turned into quite a weepy puddle. His room here is nice. Remodeled when he turned 13, a gift for his teenage years. The Beach House room has not been remodeled and his bathroom is so small that he can actually bump his head on the ceiling if he doesn't remember to duck. But it faces the ocean, has a fireplace and an outside deck. Plus, it is not near my room so he can stay up as late as he wants and I am not aware.

So we start to pack. And we start to transition to a new phase. Excitement comes and goes. The ex shouts about us getting out but moving takes its own sweet time. Olive helps by peeing on the rug and Herbie tries to fling himself into the pool, though he cannot swim.

The fish tanks have been drained and the fish have gone to new homes. I miss them. The dogs know something is afoot and have been poorly behaved for days. I smelled a burning smell in the house yesterday and had the fire department come out. No fire, but lots of yummy firemen.

So we pack and pack and then pack some more. We will be having the largest of large garage sales this summer and Ebay will get the rest. I am paring down, in all ways. Except for books. More and more I say.

We walk the neighborhood, this neighborhood that we have walked for sixteen years. Same houses, same sidewalks, some same neighbors, some new. We look at the lake and see the eagles soaring overhead. We watch them bring the diving dock to our beach and know the lifeguards will arrive on Monday, just like they do every year. We watch the cars come and go over the bridge and remark how beautiful the mountains look. We see it all just like we have for so long. Then we took it for granted, for we had a plan and thought it would come true. Now we know it won't, so we try and imprint the memories. We look at everything with eyes that are truly seeing it for the last time. We hope it sticks. We hope the pictures will remain in our mind, that they will always be so vivid and clear, so concise. Then we turn and head back into the house to pack.

Two steps forward, three steps backward

Being in my position, single, cheating ex, torrid affair, etc., etc., everyone has an opinion. On everything and anything. And they tell it to me. I am super grateful for the support and caring I have received during this time. Support I never knew was possible. I am beyond grateful to all of the friends and family that have propped me up for the last six months.

These are not the people I am referring to, but rather the people that have heard through the grapevine. Strangers or at best acquaintances that I see once or twice a month. They don't know me that well, more like a "hi, how are you? lovely day in the neighborhood" kind of thing.

Today I ran into one of those. I am in a happy place right now. One that has taken me a lot of hard work to get here and I will be damned if I am going to go back. And yet, one comment can totally undue the last six months and bring me right back to the beginning. I have no idea why this is. Is it because I secretly believe it could be so? Or am I not as strong as I feel? Maybe it is because it is a rainy day here and I am tired today.

This acquaintance asked if my marriage went bad because of the weight I had gained. I had a heart murmur, people. A medical condition. Once fixed, my energy level came back up and I was able to exercise without feeling like death was giving me a big squeeze hello. But lets say, I had no medical condition I was just big. Is that OK then? The ex should be allowed to cheat on me in that case. What if I let my hair go gray instead of coloring it? Is this a valid excuse? I had a C-section and therefore I have a scar, valid excuse?

It gets my hackles up. In my book, there is no valid excuse. If you want someone else, speak up, use your inside voice and announce you are done with the marriage. Remember at one time you liked the person you are with, don't they deserve some sort of respect? To be treated with dignity? I guess not, at least in my case. But then to say I somehow caused it? I deserved it?

This happened hours ago and I am still furious. Still shaking with anger. Because you know what, NO I didn't deserve it. I take some blame for the breakup of the marriage, I just lay the majority of the problems on the person who deserves them. The person who never said a word. The person who gave no consideration to the ones he betrayed. The person who acted like a spoiled child being denied something. He gained weight. He lost his hair. He lost his job, multiple times. The list goes on and on.

I didn't cheat. I didn't humiliate him. So, no I won't take the responsibility for this.

Today I just smiled, gathered up Olive from the yard, gave a jaunty wave, and went into my home. Laid down on the couch and cried.

This time last year. . . .

I would have done Book 'em Sunday yesterday, but I have not read anything in its entirety all week. Thank you Olive! So I will make a huge effort to actually concentrate in the reading department this week.

Olive is doing fine. We have made no strides in housebreaking, biting everything in sight, annoying Herbie and chewing every chair we own. But she has learned to bring dirt clods in the house, chew on every squeaky toy we own at the same time, and smash head first into the front door every single day, so we consider her a success.

I enjoy playing the game of "At this time last year, I was _______" and then I fill in the blank. I'm always glad when the first of something has passed. So far I have done my first Christmas, the kid's birthday, Valentine's Day, Easter, etc. That way I don't feel the sadness of this time last year we were still a family, or this time last year we had the best Christmas ever.

This month will finally make a full year. May was the month everything started and ended. Oh sure, the words were spoken in July but it all started in May. Funnily enough it started the week before Mother's Day. This week. I guess I thought I would feel sad or angry or something, but I feel relieved. Free. Peaceful.

I always thought that marriages ended with a bigger bang. But in reality they don't. They end quietly and without the fanfare that they start with. One day here, the next day gone. You think you won't survive, that the pain will never end, but you do and it does. It is no longer the first, second, or even tenth thing you think about in the course of your day. You become stronger and confident. You are happier for longer periods of time. Your heart heals.

Who knows where I will be in another year from now. What I do know for sure, is that whatever comes my way, I am capable of handling it. This last year has taught me that I am better than I thought I was, smarter than I gave myself credit for and worthy of a life that treats me with the respect I am due. I deserve no less.

A Bad Day

So one of the parts of the ending of a marriage that they don't tell you about, is that one of you goes absolutely friggin' insane. Not just a little weird. Nor a little hard to deal with. But over the top insane. To the point that you cannot deal with the day to day items.

My ex is this person. And I am here to tell you this is just a giant ball of joy day in and day out.

I am weary of this behavior. Very, very weary. And mad. And frustrated.

Today I took it out on my kid and I feel bad for that. I know how hard this is on him and I definitely don't want to add to his burden. Yet that is what I did. I am going to do better.

Being both the mother and the father. Being the person who runs the home. Being the person who is getting the kid ready for Senior Prom and college. Trying to pack up a home and move. Trying to figure out a million details. Trying to exercise and remain healthy, to remain positive.

To be it all.

It is a lot of balls to keep in the air and today I didn't do that. Not even close.

It was easier when I was part of a team. Someone was there to catch what I couldn't and I did the same. Now it all falls on me. The ex has no responsibilities. He juggles nothing and provides nothing. He has been out of work since December. Out of this home since October. Sure, it was my doing and I feel this was absolutely the right decision. One I would make even sooner if I had the opportunity to do it all again.

It is not him I miss. I miss the team. Or really the thought of the team. Someone that would take care of me for a night. Someone that would pick up some of the many pieces and assemble a little bit of a life that is in such disarray.

And yet, it is just me. Every day. Some days I fail. Today was one of those days.

But I can hope that tomorrow won't be one of those days. That the days where I fail more than I succeed are starting to become fewer. That I am making headway in a positive way. At least that is what I hope.

I don't want to live a life like my ex does. Discarding what is old, used, already been had. I don't treat everything with such casual disregard and disdain. But I'm telling you, some days this life of mine, is HARD. And there are times I am so not up to the task. The thought to just lay down and admit defeat is overwhelming

But I know that tomorrow will provide another opportunity for me to try again. Better this time. Or at least, somewhat good. That is what keeps me going. With the amount of failures I have had, success has got to be right around the corner.

Goodby - Thank Goodness!

No more in-laws. One of the best things about losing a husband, besides the extra closet space you get, is the family you finally get to get rid off.

My family is no walk in the park. I have a fantastic sister, but I don't really have a relationship with the rest of the family. It is my decision and one I am happy with. I couldn't live without my sister and would do anything to keep that relationship alive and well. The rest, hard to get along with and better when they are not in my life.

My in laws, gone and I am better for it. Finally, holidays that won't end up with crying and someone going home mad. Finally, another meal that won't end up made with food I do not eat, and which they have known about for 23 years and chose to ignore. Pointed digs and sly comments that I won't have to listen to.

With my in laws, we have nothing in common. Not how we feel about politics, or food, or holidays, or fun, or my son. My son, the one person in this world I love unconditionally. The second person in this family that my in-laws can't stand. The first being me.

My ex chose to ignore it. The bad behavior, the veiled insults, the hurtful remarks, were always something I was suppose to disregard. Aimed at my direction, sure. Aimed at my son, no way on earth. The interactions between us and them, became less and less.

Now, there is no interaction at all. For the first time in over 23 years, Christmas was nice. Music played, the food was good, neighbors stopped by with gifts, people were laughing and enjoying themselves. I loved it! My son loved it! His father was no where to be found and we loved that! The in-laws gone and Oh! How We Loved That!

I'm sure it must be hard for my son, for I know deep inside he wants to be part of a family. I can see the way he tries so hard to buy the perfect gift for birthday's and holidays. How he loves when we would have pool parties and his grandparents would come. How his school essays would be written for the grandparents he wished he had, not the ones that he did have. But it is not to be, not for grandparents, not for aunts or uncles, or even cousins. Hell, not even for his own father. Not one of them sent a card, a gift, a email, or a phone message on Christmas or his birthday. His 18Th birthday went unnoticed by people that had been in his life every moment he has been alive.

So, I'm glad they are gone. Maybe that should have been my first clue as to what kind of life I was stepping into. What can I say, I was 22 and pretty stupid.

Would I do it all again?

Yes, in a heart beat! I would still step up and take the disappointment. I would take the betrayal. I would take the humiliation from a man who said he would always love me, protect me, care for me. I would take the horrible in-laws. All of it I would take again, for in doing so, I would also get the one thing I love so much. The one thing that also loves me so much. My son.

It was so worth it.

Exercising is hard!

On Monday I start my exercise routine again. Yuck. Some people enjoy exercise. I do not. It is an means to a ends and so I plod through it.

I had a heart murmur which went undiagnosed for quite some time. During this time my ex went down a path of inappropriate behavior. So while I was having test after test run, he was having an affair. I went through this alone. Alone and scared. Basically it boiled down to the fact that my home situation was causing unbelievable stress to my heart. I could change or I could die. That simple.

So I kicked the ex out of the house and have spent the last few months rebuilding myself. Like the Bionic Woman. Better. Stronger. Healthier. Happier.

An hour a day you will find me in the garage on the treadmill. My I-pod blaring out songs. The bottle of water tempting me. And a giant full length mirror to remind me of why I am doing this.

At first I could hardly last twenty minutes. I thought I was going to simply die. I had to keep stopping and monitoring my blood pressure. Then I built it up to thirty minutes. Now it is almost five miles and 1 hour. I still think I am simply going to die, I just now know I'm not.

With the exercise routine comes the eating healthier, which I am bad at. So I eat the same thing every day. No exceptions. It works for me to not have choices. I cook two different meals, one for the kid and one for me. His looks great. Mine does not. But means to an end, so I continue on.

I love the way being thinner makes me feel. After the last six months I look great. I have a ways to go. My cardiologist has one goal for me and I have a different goal. His goal is to have me weigh what I did in TENTH GRADE. Mine is to be something I actually have the ability to achieve and more importantly maintain!

Knowing myself, I don't want to continue this much exercise every day. I hate it. In a previous life I was a sloth. While I don't want to go back to the person or the shape I was, I don't want to have a life ruled by exercise.

For the last two months, I got a reprieve. My blood pressure is lowering itself. The heart murmur has quieted down. 75 lbs have been removed from my frame. My BMI index went from obese to normal. I have gone from a size 22 to a size 12. I won't lie, it feels wonderful. It was hard work. It was no fun. But it has been worth it in every way possible.

Deciding to save my life forced me to wake up and see what was around me. My home life, my marriage, all were working to show me that what I had become, was not what I wanted. I listened. I changed. I am happy but more importantly, I am finally healthy. Both in body and soul. Just how it is suppose to be.

The Times They Are A Changin'

It's a new beginning. And with all new beginnings, it is a little scary. To begin again means that something has ended. For me it is the end of a 23 year marriage. Yep, I'm one of the punch lines to an old joke, "what do you do with the 45 year old wife?, why you replace her with the 30 year old." So now I am off on an new adventure, the ME project. After being a stay at home wife and mother, that phase is ending. My son will head off to Northwestern University in September, the home I have resided in for 16 years will be sold, the last name that I have had for more than half my life will be gone. In some ways it is a rebirth, I like to think it is a "Do Over." Oh, I'm sure I wouldn't have chosen this path if given the option, but it is here now and so I might as well deal with it the best way I know how. With Good Books, Good Salvage Finds, Good Friends, Good Decorating Skills, and Good Old Determination.

So that is just what I plan to do, and Good News, you get to help.

Let's get this Party started.