Sadness

So tonight the ex drove down and dropped off the rest of the remnants of the old life. As usual, he tried to throw in some crap he didn't want but was to lazy to haul to the dump. This time I was on to the plan and hauled it all the way back to his truck and told him to take it back with him. This is not the dump.

He did that "Oh my, are you sure you don't want this priceless artifact of your previous life, that is now broken and of no use to me?" I just walked away.

Still no job. Still the house isn't listed. Though he found time to go to the Seafair Pirates arrival on Alki beach. Good to know he has his priorities straight.

Tonight I'm not so fine. My heart is so broken it is unbelievable that I can still be alive and walking. It isn't so much that I want him back, because I know that I don't, it is just that everything seems wrapped in memories of us. This house, the kid, my life, everything. I go through my days and they are fine. Not awesome, but not bad. But what happens in September when the kid heads off to college? At this age how do I start all over again? Will it come to me piece by piece? Is it something I should already know? How do I make friends? How do I start to build another life? Why is it so easy for him and so hard for me?

Questions upon questions. They flood my mind and my every waking thoughts. I don't mind being alone. I like myself just fine. I have many interests to keep me occupied. It just seems that the world is paired up. Either people already have it, or they are searching for it. What happens to the people who don't want it again? where do they go?

On Monday, my (old) house will be staged and listed for a fast sale. A house I spent 16 years in. A house I remodeled. A house I raised my son in. A house I built for the long run. I tell my self it is just a house, everything that meant anything is where I reside now. All that we are, all that we love, we carry inside with us. I believe that. It's just tonight I think sadness is blocking the view of it.

P.S.: I leave you with some pictures of Olive. The kid found his camera stuff and spent some time outside snapping photos of Olive. They are fantastic. She is a beautiful dog. It is a shame that she is so annoying.

All is good.

Well I am here, such as it is.

I am totally and completely embarrassed about the amount of stuff I own. The books are their own separate problem but it is the little collections that are a killer. So I sit here surrounded by boxes and boxes of stuff.

The kid and the ex went yesterday to get the end of it. The plants, the outside stuff and the bird. Yep, the hated bird is going to reside with me. I think I have sucker tattooed on my face. The ex was going to see if he could sell it and that just seemed sad, so I traded something for it, soon it will be here.

This house is so much better for the dogs. The yard is huge and fenced. Olive of course, found her way out and into the neighbors yard. She can't remember the difference between the command "sit" and "down" but can be the Houdini of dogs and lead Herbie down the garden path. Tomorrow I will be buying chicken wire and outlining the fence. The fun times they keep on comin'

I went to the local grocery today and it took all of ten minutes to shop. It really helps that there is only one grocery store and they carry none of the food I am use to eating. I missed garbage day because I didn't know what day it was. The mailman says we don't have a mailbox though it is right there on the sidewalk. The actual postmaster drove over here and said "Why yes, we do have a mail box and mail will start" You get rock on great service in a small town,

The neighbor invited me for a taco party this weekend. I'm not sure exactly what that is. I know it involves tacos but how do you party with a taco? That sour cream must be a real crowd pleaser. I think I may go. I like tacos. And I love parties. Could be a good match.

The pelicans are feeding in the ocean tonight and they are beautiful. The whales are here. The sunset is stunning. The dogs are tired. I have unpacked the wine and the fireplace is keeping me toasty. All is good.

Change, Growing, Moving On

Today I am tired. Yesterday I was tired. If all goes according to plan, I will be tired tomorrow.

I live in a state of Limbo and it is exhausting.

I will be moving on from this house, and this life by July 1st. The possessions have all been divided. The books have been parceled out. A life of 23 years has been boiled down to a few sheets of paper and a signature.

The wedding pictures, the wedding dress, the anniversary cards, the mementos of funny times, of loving times, have gone to the landfill.

All that is left to do is pack it up and move it out.

And I can't wait!

I see freedom, joy, and happiness coming my way and I wish it would get the hell here! The waiting around is a nightmare. I can see the rope tethering me here start to fray and I want it to break and let me go.

The ex uses the excuse that "People change" "That things just end." I disagree. Oh sure, I believe in endings and in change. But I also believe that you can lose yourself if you are not careful. The sign of character is not shown in what you do in when eyes are upon you but instead in what you do when no one sees. When times are hard, do you rise to the occasion? or do you fail?

I am rising to the occasion. The friends and family who know me now, see a different me. A happy, peaceful person. I am growing and changing. I am getting stronger and the life around me is rapidly becoming confining.

It is like the kid and his senior year. While he is happy to be the king of the hill, college awaits and he wants to bolt. Classes and homework have become chains that hold him to a life that he is ready to leave. Change, Growing, Moving On.

Sure, I want to keep him with me. To hold on to him just a little longer, but I can't. Just like I can't hold on to this marriage and this life any longer. I can't be the person I once was, content to let those around me achieve their dreams, while mine were put on the back burner. Change, Growing, Moving On.

So in June, two caterpillars will emerge into butterflies. They will take off together and head into the unknown. The uncharted. The future.

The bonds of the past will hold them together but it will no longer be a rope that keeps them captive. The future will shine brightly and it will be calling our names, loudly. Just like now, only now we have to resist the calling but soon we will be able to answer.

And answer we will, just as loudly.