Dreaming of Escape

January is not my month of choice. As I sit here typing, the rain and wind are beating the crap out of us again.

So tired. When we first bought this house, oh so long ago, it seemed that all I dreamed of was moving here. Living here full time. The ocean so close. A small town. Peace from the city noises, traffic, chaos.

A fire going in the fireplace, books piled everywhere, dogs hogging the couch.

Well, I have that, for the most part. Olive is not allowed on the couch any longer since she ate the pillows and has since been banned to a rug. Though sometimes I walk by the couch and it feels very warm to the touch, so I believe she feels this is a rule that will only be enforced if I am in the view of her. She is probably right.

I think with age comes the knowledge that just because you dream and wish for something, it isn't necessarily what you want. I still dream of having the very same dream I have now. I want to make it work. I can see the picture in my head and spend so much time trying to accomplish this.

I WILL enjoy a small town.

I WILL enjoy the ocean.

I WILL enjoy this life I have worked so hard to achieve.

I WILL is fast becoming I DON'T WANT THIS.

Sure a stagnate real estate market and an non existent job market, also help me try and make this work.

Everyday it gets harder. I fight to fit in. I join. I help. I still just hate it.

I like cities. The bigger, the better. For me it is the constant movement I like. The feeling of not being alone. The feeling of change, of opportunity, of a constant surprise right around the corner.

Here the surprise is that Safeway won't get organic chicken until Friday. Not really the surprise I was hoping for.

I envy people who can be happy here. Can follow the car that has had its left hand turn signal on for twelve miles and has never once gotten even close to turning without a thought of rage. Can be thrilled that we are getting our second Subway store. Can enjoy watching the rain for the 100th day in a row without wanting to consume an entire bottle of wine every day. Can exist without a bookstore, a gym, a steakhouse. Can be content with what this small town provides.

All I can see, is what it doesn't.

I'm glad for the experience. I'm glad for the dream. I will also be glad to escape.