Seeking

The other day with nothing much better to do, I read some blogs. I subscribe to lots of blogs, decorating, talking much about nothing, house surfing, crafting. Though just because I subscribe doesn't mean I read them regularly. So Thursday, I did just that, read. Reading turned into clicking on other peoples links.

Small threads that lead you other places.

I like to imagine it is like a loose thread on a sweater. You think you can just yank it right out. No problem, just a quick pull and done. Nope. A quick pull and a longer thread arrives. Another quick pull and before you know it, you have a tube top. OMG! I just dated myself. Reading blogs is just like that. Poof! before you know it, gone on a tangent.

I know a little about everything. And much about nothing. I will be super at dinner parties. I learned about Johnny Depp's relationship, about the Super Bowl festivities, a few soup recipes, how to best open a Etsy shop, on and on I went. For the most part quite enjoyable.

Then bam! a link lead me to some questionable blogs. I'm not going to name them, because truth be told, they sickened me.

I grew up in a religious household. Not a good religion. In fact, a horrible one. I left never to return. It has taken me a whole lot of years to undo what was done. Therapy helped. Time helped more. Knowledge helped the most.

Learning that what I was taught (brainwashed is probably a better term), was wrong. Learning to be a kind and decent person. To not hate. To not judge. Time heals everything, it is true. I look back on my childhood as more of a spectator than an actual participant. The person I am now, is the person I like. Maybe I was supposed to have all that hatred shoved down my throat, so that I am better able to recognize it when it comes my way.

These blogs deal with religion in just the way I remember my childhood. All of a sudden, I felt like I was twelve again. I couldn't catch my breath, my heart started racing and I broke out into a cold sweat. I fled the computer. I fled the evil, the hatred, the filth. My mind strayed back though. The memories came flooding back. Washing over me like sewage water. Drowning me.

I know the way to good now. I know the way to find peace and contentment. Years have taught me that. Knowledge has taught me that. I see the good in people. Not every day, but more now then ever before.

Reading about the hatred for Muslims, Homosexuals, African-American, just fills me with disgust. Looking at the small children being surrounded by this, fills me with sadness. How does one get there? How can someone be so filled with hate?

I live in a small town but I live in a liberal state. Portland is filled with diversity. The sidewalks are crowded with differences. All walk together. We have our share of problems, what large city doesn't? But this city, these people not like me, and exactly like me, fill me with a joy that my childhood never did.

They accept me. Slightly over-weight, taller than normal, louder than normal. They don't know me, but they make room for me. They smile as I pass. We stand in the same coffee lines together and chat. We become friends. We leave along our daily paths, better for having run into each other. Changed in a small way. Changed in a larger way.

I choose daily to not bring hate into my life. Into my house. I know that leaving the past in the, well, past isn't an option. I bring it along, kicking and screaming. Showing the twelve year old girl still inside me, how wrong all that was. The words and actions that were shown, weren't right then and they aren't right now.

I won't go back to religion. I will travel along a path of acceptance, of love, and mostly of peace. And I think along that path I will find the true meaning of joy. I can only hope that someday all those little faces I saw on those blogs, will also find it.

Dreaming of Escape

January is not my month of choice. As I sit here typing, the rain and wind are beating the crap out of us again.

So tired. When we first bought this house, oh so long ago, it seemed that all I dreamed of was moving here. Living here full time. The ocean so close. A small town. Peace from the city noises, traffic, chaos.

A fire going in the fireplace, books piled everywhere, dogs hogging the couch.

Well, I have that, for the most part. Olive is not allowed on the couch any longer since she ate the pillows and has since been banned to a rug. Though sometimes I walk by the couch and it feels very warm to the touch, so I believe she feels this is a rule that will only be enforced if I am in the view of her. She is probably right.

I think with age comes the knowledge that just because you dream and wish for something, it isn't necessarily what you want. I still dream of having the very same dream I have now. I want to make it work. I can see the picture in my head and spend so much time trying to accomplish this.

I WILL enjoy a small town.

I WILL enjoy the ocean.

I WILL enjoy this life I have worked so hard to achieve.

I WILL is fast becoming I DON'T WANT THIS.

Sure a stagnate real estate market and an non existent job market, also help me try and make this work.

Everyday it gets harder. I fight to fit in. I join. I help. I still just hate it.

I like cities. The bigger, the better. For me it is the constant movement I like. The feeling of not being alone. The feeling of change, of opportunity, of a constant surprise right around the corner.

Here the surprise is that Safeway won't get organic chicken until Friday. Not really the surprise I was hoping for.

I envy people who can be happy here. Can follow the car that has had its left hand turn signal on for twelve miles and has never once gotten even close to turning without a thought of rage. Can be thrilled that we are getting our second Subway store. Can enjoy watching the rain for the 100th day in a row without wanting to consume an entire bottle of wine every day. Can exist without a bookstore, a gym, a steakhouse. Can be content with what this small town provides.

All I can see, is what it doesn't.

I'm glad for the experience. I'm glad for the dream. I will also be glad to escape.