So yesterday, in my garage, running on my treadmill, I had a huge meltdown.
I think that this time now in my life is harder than ever. When my life exploded, anger, fear and sheer determination kept me afloat. I still had a kid to get through high school and into college. I lived in the same place with the same friends that gave me support. I wasn't going to let what happened to me turn me into a victim.
Now nothing seems to be keeping me afloat. Some of my friends want me to find another man, I don't want to. Some people started telling me "where am I going? What do I want to do with the rest of my life?" I have absolutely no idea, hell, I don't even know where I am going today, how am I suppose to plan for the next decade?
I do know that I have started to make some poor decisions. I haven't been keeping up my exercise like I should, I tend to put things off for as long as possible, I have been drinking a little too much. I am now acting like a victim. The very thing that I didn't want to be.
I am overwhelmed by all the things I needed to get done just to get to where I am today. New and frankly, very frightening experiences have been mine. In this area I have grown by leaps and bounds. I feel very confident in so many new avenues that I am left wondering why I am back sliding in areas that I thought I had already conquered.
Today all of that stops. I have three days of exercise under my belt. I have a refrigerator filled with the correct foods to eat. I have set some new goals. I am going to find a job in this little town if it kills me. I have ordered the new college classes guide. I have finally gotten to a point where the house isn't going to fall down due to neglect.
All of this is necessary but I am worth it. I like myself, faults, doubts, extra weight, all of it. I do think that I have lost sight of that for awhile. It isn't a man that makes my life whole. I make my life whole and I haven't been working on that area.
My life has changed, no doubt about that, but instead of focusing on what I don't have, I now will focus on what I do have. I have an awesome son, great friends, books, and two crazy dogs. Plus, of course, a bird. It may not be the picture I saw in my mind. It may not be what I had planned for my life. But here it is and I am going to embrace it, enjoy it, and probably occasionally have another meltdown.
And I am ok with that.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Addled minded
I have a new love in my life. I am always treated kindly. I am taken on wonderful adventures. I feel peace, joy and unbelievable love, the kind that is rarely seen.
My new love - is my library. I have the most gorgeous library I have ever been in.
This used to be a bedroom, the master bedroom as a matter of fact. In old homes, all bedrooms look the same so I have no idea what defined this as a master as opposed to a regular. Regardless, it was the master. When we did a remodel a few years ago, we moved the master to the other side of the house so we could add a bath. This room became the lets dump all the crap that doesn't fit anywhere else room.
I changed it. I need a library. Books are treasures to me and I own a ton. When I moved, I packed up over 50 boxes of books. Even with a ton of shelf space in my new library, I still have 12 boxes to go. The last ones are the rare/old/signed ones and they need a better space.
I designed this myself. Drew up the plans and hired a woodworker to do the job. Every last detail was one I wanted and no one else got to chime in. Sweet!
The cabinets are pine with a bead board back. I love bead board and would fill the whole house with it if I could. The cabinets are painted white with a yellow (the strongest yellow I could find) back. The shelves are all stationary. I only want to house books, therefore I don't do the third rule (1/3 books, 1/3 open space and 1/3 decorative objects). Also, with the amount of weight that books weigh, I didn't want any bowing of shelves. All the shelves, with the exception of the bottom row and the three top shelves in the big cabinets, are the same width. They are made to hold hardbound books.
I had electricity added to the top of the shelves and I have pink twinkle lights that lay up there. I added a fun lamp I bought at Powell's (the best book store EVER) and an vintage clock that I don't even remember buying.
The bookcases were built off-site and then attached to the wall. All the painting was done off-site as well, the touch ups were done after they were installed. Molding was added at the very end.
I painted the walls a light lavender color and changed all the trim from gray to white to give it a crisper feel. Added a vintage light fixture to the center of the room. I added a comfy, giant leather chair that holds two dogs and if they let me in, me as well.
I still have things to do. The window needs to be replaced, art work needs to come in, and the side of the room that faces the ocean needs some lights.
Right now the books are just up on the shelves. No real rhyme or reason, just opened a box and set them up. As time goes by, I will organize them and clean up the shelves a bit. I added some little doohickeys, baseballs, pictures of pugs, and other little things. I don't think that stuff will stay but who knows, it suits me and that is really all I care about. I set a table in the middle of the room so I can leave out the books that I want to read next plus it gives me a work space to cover the books with protective sleeves.
The photos don't do the room justice. It is simply unbelievable in real life. I spend a whole bunch of time just standing and sighing in total happiness.
I think that Louise May Alcott said it the best "She is too fond of books and it has addled her brain." I love being addled.
My new love - is my library. I have the most gorgeous library I have ever been in.
This used to be a bedroom, the master bedroom as a matter of fact. In old homes, all bedrooms look the same so I have no idea what defined this as a master as opposed to a regular. Regardless, it was the master. When we did a remodel a few years ago, we moved the master to the other side of the house so we could add a bath. This room became the lets dump all the crap that doesn't fit anywhere else room.
I changed it. I need a library. Books are treasures to me and I own a ton. When I moved, I packed up over 50 boxes of books. Even with a ton of shelf space in my new library, I still have 12 boxes to go. The last ones are the rare/old/signed ones and they need a better space.
I designed this myself. Drew up the plans and hired a woodworker to do the job. Every last detail was one I wanted and no one else got to chime in. Sweet!
The cabinets are pine with a bead board back. I love bead board and would fill the whole house with it if I could. The cabinets are painted white with a yellow (the strongest yellow I could find) back. The shelves are all stationary. I only want to house books, therefore I don't do the third rule (1/3 books, 1/3 open space and 1/3 decorative objects). Also, with the amount of weight that books weigh, I didn't want any bowing of shelves. All the shelves, with the exception of the bottom row and the three top shelves in the big cabinets, are the same width. They are made to hold hardbound books.
I had electricity added to the top of the shelves and I have pink twinkle lights that lay up there. I added a fun lamp I bought at Powell's (the best book store EVER) and an vintage clock that I don't even remember buying.
The bookcases were built off-site and then attached to the wall. All the painting was done off-site as well, the touch ups were done after they were installed. Molding was added at the very end.
I painted the walls a light lavender color and changed all the trim from gray to white to give it a crisper feel. Added a vintage light fixture to the center of the room. I added a comfy, giant leather chair that holds two dogs and if they let me in, me as well.
I still have things to do. The window needs to be replaced, art work needs to come in, and the side of the room that faces the ocean needs some lights.
Right now the books are just up on the shelves. No real rhyme or reason, just opened a box and set them up. As time goes by, I will organize them and clean up the shelves a bit. I added some little doohickeys, baseballs, pictures of pugs, and other little things. I don't think that stuff will stay but who knows, it suits me and that is really all I care about. I set a table in the middle of the room so I can leave out the books that I want to read next plus it gives me a work space to cover the books with protective sleeves.
The photos don't do the room justice. It is simply unbelievable in real life. I spend a whole bunch of time just standing and sighing in total happiness.
I think that Louise May Alcott said it the best "She is too fond of books and it has addled her brain." I love being addled.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Bad Mac
My computer decided to fill up the hard drive. Being such a nice machine it gave me no advance notice, as it didn't really want to bother me with such a small inconsequential thing as no computer access.
Life in a small town does not accord people the option of just driving to the nearest computer shop, dropping off the broken machine, and returning to pick it up, all fixed. Nope, not in my town.
First I drove around to locate the computer store, which by the way is also the phone/fax/copy store. Went in. Talked to the Apple specialist dude. He is the only Apple dude in 100 miles. 100 miles! no one else. Made arrangements to drop off the ailing machine. Drove home. Drove back. Apple dude had been fired.
I kid you not. In that short amount of time, fired. No idea why. Now we have no one in 100 miles. Dropped it off with someone I am pretty sure was in junior high last year. Explained the problem. Explained the problem again. Explained the problem again and with some poorly drawn stick computers showing said problems. Explained the problem loudly and with hand gestures. Finally a small light bulb, probably a 1-1/2 watt, went off, I was instructed to leave it and could expect a phone call when it was ready.
Drove home.
Found a message on my phone, it was fixed. I live 10 minutes with TRAFFIC from the computer store. Had a cold drink. Did some breathing exercises. Tried to find a zen attitude. Called back. Explained the problem. Would have tried explaining the problem in a foreign language if I spoke one. Started to hyperventilate. Asked for someone else, anyone, anyone. Next person seemed to at least understand said problem. Would call me when it was fixed.
Two hours went by with no call and I took that as a good sign. Two weeks went by with no call, good sign had long since dissipated. Two weeks and four days, the call finally arrived.
Drove over yesterday and picked it up. Paid a small fortune. Drove home and fired up the baby. Used my password, the mac shook its little password box back and forth to make a giant NO. Thought I had been away so long that I had forgotten my own password, looked it up, typed it again, again with the giant NO. This time I thought it really was giving me some serious attitude. On and on this went, me typing, mac denying me access, each time with a little bit more mocking and judging. I ended up in the dining room, crying about the unfairness of life while two dogs thought I had seriously lost my friggin mind.
Called the computer store. Twenty-seven hours later I retrieved my new password with a jaunty laugh and an Oops, so sorry, probably should have told you I changed all the passwords. My new password:
password. Yep, no one is going to guess that one in a million years.
Life in a small town does not accord people the option of just driving to the nearest computer shop, dropping off the broken machine, and returning to pick it up, all fixed. Nope, not in my town.
First I drove around to locate the computer store, which by the way is also the phone/fax/copy store. Went in. Talked to the Apple specialist dude. He is the only Apple dude in 100 miles. 100 miles! no one else. Made arrangements to drop off the ailing machine. Drove home. Drove back. Apple dude had been fired.
I kid you not. In that short amount of time, fired. No idea why. Now we have no one in 100 miles. Dropped it off with someone I am pretty sure was in junior high last year. Explained the problem. Explained the problem again. Explained the problem again and with some poorly drawn stick computers showing said problems. Explained the problem loudly and with hand gestures. Finally a small light bulb, probably a 1-1/2 watt, went off, I was instructed to leave it and could expect a phone call when it was ready.
Drove home.
Found a message on my phone, it was fixed. I live 10 minutes with TRAFFIC from the computer store. Had a cold drink. Did some breathing exercises. Tried to find a zen attitude. Called back. Explained the problem. Would have tried explaining the problem in a foreign language if I spoke one. Started to hyperventilate. Asked for someone else, anyone, anyone. Next person seemed to at least understand said problem. Would call me when it was fixed.
Two hours went by with no call and I took that as a good sign. Two weeks went by with no call, good sign had long since dissipated. Two weeks and four days, the call finally arrived.
Drove over yesterday and picked it up. Paid a small fortune. Drove home and fired up the baby. Used my password, the mac shook its little password box back and forth to make a giant NO. Thought I had been away so long that I had forgotten my own password, looked it up, typed it again, again with the giant NO. This time I thought it really was giving me some serious attitude. On and on this went, me typing, mac denying me access, each time with a little bit more mocking and judging. I ended up in the dining room, crying about the unfairness of life while two dogs thought I had seriously lost my friggin mind.
Called the computer store. Twenty-seven hours later I retrieved my new password with a jaunty laugh and an Oops, so sorry, probably should have told you I changed all the passwords. My new password:
password. Yep, no one is going to guess that one in a million years.
Monday, April 26, 2010
It's coming back
Starting tomorrow I will be back to posting about the exciting time that is my life. Gosh, that is so funny!
I would start today, but I seemed to have misplaced the camera cord and I just got my computer back from the shop, in which case the store changed my password and neglected to tell me what it is.
Life in a small town is some times filled with interesting challenges.
I would start today, but I seemed to have misplaced the camera cord and I just got my computer back from the shop, in which case the store changed my password and neglected to tell me what it is.
Life in a small town is some times filled with interesting challenges.
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