Meltdown

So yesterday, in my garage, running on my treadmill, I had a huge meltdown.

I think that this time now in my life is harder than ever. When my life exploded, anger, fear and sheer determination kept me afloat. I still had a kid to get through high school and into college. I lived in the same place with the same friends that gave me support. I wasn't going to let what happened to me turn me into a victim.

Now nothing seems to be keeping me afloat. Some of my friends want me to find another man, I don't want to. Some people started telling me "where am I going? What do I want to do with the rest of my life?" I have absolutely no idea, hell, I don't even know where I am going today, how am I suppose to plan for the next decade?

I do know that I have started to make some poor decisions. I haven't been keeping up my exercise like I should, I tend to put things off for as long as possible, I have been drinking a little too much. I am now acting like a victim. The very thing that I didn't want to be.

I am overwhelmed by all the things I needed to get done just to get to where I am today. New and frankly, very frightening experiences have been mine. In this area I have grown by leaps and bounds. I feel very confident in so many new avenues that I am left wondering why I am back sliding in areas that I thought I had already conquered.

Today all of that stops. I have three days of exercise under my belt. I have a refrigerator filled with the correct foods to eat. I have set some new goals. I am going to find a job in this little town if it kills me. I have ordered the new college classes guide. I have finally gotten to a point where the house isn't going to fall down due to neglect.

All of this is necessary but I am worth it. I like myself, faults, doubts, extra weight, all of it. I do think that I have lost sight of that for awhile. It isn't a man that makes my life whole. I make my life whole and I haven't been working on that area.

My life has changed, no doubt about that, but instead of focusing on what I don't have, I now will focus on what I do have. I have an awesome son, great friends, books, and two crazy dogs. Plus, of course, a bird. It may not be the picture I saw in my mind. It may not be what I had planned for my life. But here it is and I am going to embrace it, enjoy it, and probably occasionally have another meltdown.

And I am ok with that.