Seeking

The other day with nothing much better to do, I read some blogs. I subscribe to lots of blogs, decorating, talking much about nothing, house surfing, crafting. Though just because I subscribe doesn't mean I read them regularly. So Thursday, I did just that, read. Reading turned into clicking on other peoples links.

Small threads that lead you other places.

I like to imagine it is like a loose thread on a sweater. You think you can just yank it right out. No problem, just a quick pull and done. Nope. A quick pull and a longer thread arrives. Another quick pull and before you know it, you have a tube top. OMG! I just dated myself. Reading blogs is just like that. Poof! before you know it, gone on a tangent.

I know a little about everything. And much about nothing. I will be super at dinner parties. I learned about Johnny Depp's relationship, about the Super Bowl festivities, a few soup recipes, how to best open a Etsy shop, on and on I went. For the most part quite enjoyable.

Then bam! a link lead me to some questionable blogs. I'm not going to name them, because truth be told, they sickened me.

I grew up in a religious household. Not a good religion. In fact, a horrible one. I left never to return. It has taken me a whole lot of years to undo what was done. Therapy helped. Time helped more. Knowledge helped the most.

Learning that what I was taught (brainwashed is probably a better term), was wrong. Learning to be a kind and decent person. To not hate. To not judge. Time heals everything, it is true. I look back on my childhood as more of a spectator than an actual participant. The person I am now, is the person I like. Maybe I was supposed to have all that hatred shoved down my throat, so that I am better able to recognize it when it comes my way.

These blogs deal with religion in just the way I remember my childhood. All of a sudden, I felt like I was twelve again. I couldn't catch my breath, my heart started racing and I broke out into a cold sweat. I fled the computer. I fled the evil, the hatred, the filth. My mind strayed back though. The memories came flooding back. Washing over me like sewage water. Drowning me.

I know the way to good now. I know the way to find peace and contentment. Years have taught me that. Knowledge has taught me that. I see the good in people. Not every day, but more now then ever before.

Reading about the hatred for Muslims, Homosexuals, African-American, just fills me with disgust. Looking at the small children being surrounded by this, fills me with sadness. How does one get there? How can someone be so filled with hate?

I live in a small town but I live in a liberal state. Portland is filled with diversity. The sidewalks are crowded with differences. All walk together. We have our share of problems, what large city doesn't? But this city, these people not like me, and exactly like me, fill me with a joy that my childhood never did.

They accept me. Slightly over-weight, taller than normal, louder than normal. They don't know me, but they make room for me. They smile as I pass. We stand in the same coffee lines together and chat. We become friends. We leave along our daily paths, better for having run into each other. Changed in a small way. Changed in a larger way.

I choose daily to not bring hate into my life. Into my house. I know that leaving the past in the, well, past isn't an option. I bring it along, kicking and screaming. Showing the twelve year old girl still inside me, how wrong all that was. The words and actions that were shown, weren't right then and they aren't right now.

I won't go back to religion. I will travel along a path of acceptance, of love, and mostly of peace. And I think along that path I will find the true meaning of joy. I can only hope that someday all those little faces I saw on those blogs, will also find it.