This time last year. . . .

I would have done Book 'em Sunday yesterday, but I have not read anything in its entirety all week. Thank you Olive! So I will make a huge effort to actually concentrate in the reading department this week.

Olive is doing fine. We have made no strides in housebreaking, biting everything in sight, annoying Herbie and chewing every chair we own. But she has learned to bring dirt clods in the house, chew on every squeaky toy we own at the same time, and smash head first into the front door every single day, so we consider her a success.

I enjoy playing the game of "At this time last year, I was _______" and then I fill in the blank. I'm always glad when the first of something has passed. So far I have done my first Christmas, the kid's birthday, Valentine's Day, Easter, etc. That way I don't feel the sadness of this time last year we were still a family, or this time last year we had the best Christmas ever.

This month will finally make a full year. May was the month everything started and ended. Oh sure, the words were spoken in July but it all started in May. Funnily enough it started the week before Mother's Day. This week. I guess I thought I would feel sad or angry or something, but I feel relieved. Free. Peaceful.

I always thought that marriages ended with a bigger bang. But in reality they don't. They end quietly and without the fanfare that they start with. One day here, the next day gone. You think you won't survive, that the pain will never end, but you do and it does. It is no longer the first, second, or even tenth thing you think about in the course of your day. You become stronger and confident. You are happier for longer periods of time. Your heart heals.

Who knows where I will be in another year from now. What I do know for sure, is that whatever comes my way, I am capable of handling it. This last year has taught me that I am better than I thought I was, smarter than I gave myself credit for and worthy of a life that treats me with the respect I am due. I deserve no less.

Change, Growing, Moving On

Today I am tired. Yesterday I was tired. If all goes according to plan, I will be tired tomorrow.

I live in a state of Limbo and it is exhausting.

I will be moving on from this house, and this life by July 1st. The possessions have all been divided. The books have been parceled out. A life of 23 years has been boiled down to a few sheets of paper and a signature.

The wedding pictures, the wedding dress, the anniversary cards, the mementos of funny times, of loving times, have gone to the landfill.

All that is left to do is pack it up and move it out.

And I can't wait!

I see freedom, joy, and happiness coming my way and I wish it would get the hell here! The waiting around is a nightmare. I can see the rope tethering me here start to fray and I want it to break and let me go.

The ex uses the excuse that "People change" "That things just end." I disagree. Oh sure, I believe in endings and in change. But I also believe that you can lose yourself if you are not careful. The sign of character is not shown in what you do in when eyes are upon you but instead in what you do when no one sees. When times are hard, do you rise to the occasion? or do you fail?

I am rising to the occasion. The friends and family who know me now, see a different me. A happy, peaceful person. I am growing and changing. I am getting stronger and the life around me is rapidly becoming confining.

It is like the kid and his senior year. While he is happy to be the king of the hill, college awaits and he wants to bolt. Classes and homework have become chains that hold him to a life that he is ready to leave. Change, Growing, Moving On.

Sure, I want to keep him with me. To hold on to him just a little longer, but I can't. Just like I can't hold on to this marriage and this life any longer. I can't be the person I once was, content to let those around me achieve their dreams, while mine were put on the back burner. Change, Growing, Moving On.

So in June, two caterpillars will emerge into butterflies. They will take off together and head into the unknown. The uncharted. The future.

The bonds of the past will hold them together but it will no longer be a rope that keeps them captive. The future will shine brightly and it will be calling our names, loudly. Just like now, only now we have to resist the calling but soon we will be able to answer.

And answer we will, just as loudly.