Two steps forward, three steps backward

Being in my position, single, cheating ex, torrid affair, etc., etc., everyone has an opinion. On everything and anything. And they tell it to me. I am super grateful for the support and caring I have received during this time. Support I never knew was possible. I am beyond grateful to all of the friends and family that have propped me up for the last six months.

These are not the people I am referring to, but rather the people that have heard through the grapevine. Strangers or at best acquaintances that I see once or twice a month. They don't know me that well, more like a "hi, how are you? lovely day in the neighborhood" kind of thing.

Today I ran into one of those. I am in a happy place right now. One that has taken me a lot of hard work to get here and I will be damned if I am going to go back. And yet, one comment can totally undue the last six months and bring me right back to the beginning. I have no idea why this is. Is it because I secretly believe it could be so? Or am I not as strong as I feel? Maybe it is because it is a rainy day here and I am tired today.

This acquaintance asked if my marriage went bad because of the weight I had gained. I had a heart murmur, people. A medical condition. Once fixed, my energy level came back up and I was able to exercise without feeling like death was giving me a big squeeze hello. But lets say, I had no medical condition I was just big. Is that OK then? The ex should be allowed to cheat on me in that case. What if I let my hair go gray instead of coloring it? Is this a valid excuse? I had a C-section and therefore I have a scar, valid excuse?

It gets my hackles up. In my book, there is no valid excuse. If you want someone else, speak up, use your inside voice and announce you are done with the marriage. Remember at one time you liked the person you are with, don't they deserve some sort of respect? To be treated with dignity? I guess not, at least in my case. But then to say I somehow caused it? I deserved it?

This happened hours ago and I am still furious. Still shaking with anger. Because you know what, NO I didn't deserve it. I take some blame for the breakup of the marriage, I just lay the majority of the problems on the person who deserves them. The person who never said a word. The person who gave no consideration to the ones he betrayed. The person who acted like a spoiled child being denied something. He gained weight. He lost his hair. He lost his job, multiple times. The list goes on and on.

I didn't cheat. I didn't humiliate him. So, no I won't take the responsibility for this.

Today I just smiled, gathered up Olive from the yard, gave a jaunty wave, and went into my home. Laid down on the couch and cried.