A Bad Day

So one of the parts of the ending of a marriage that they don't tell you about, is that one of you goes absolutely friggin' insane. Not just a little weird. Nor a little hard to deal with. But over the top insane. To the point that you cannot deal with the day to day items.

My ex is this person. And I am here to tell you this is just a giant ball of joy day in and day out.

I am weary of this behavior. Very, very weary. And mad. And frustrated.

Today I took it out on my kid and I feel bad for that. I know how hard this is on him and I definitely don't want to add to his burden. Yet that is what I did. I am going to do better.

Being both the mother and the father. Being the person who runs the home. Being the person who is getting the kid ready for Senior Prom and college. Trying to pack up a home and move. Trying to figure out a million details. Trying to exercise and remain healthy, to remain positive.

To be it all.

It is a lot of balls to keep in the air and today I didn't do that. Not even close.

It was easier when I was part of a team. Someone was there to catch what I couldn't and I did the same. Now it all falls on me. The ex has no responsibilities. He juggles nothing and provides nothing. He has been out of work since December. Out of this home since October. Sure, it was my doing and I feel this was absolutely the right decision. One I would make even sooner if I had the opportunity to do it all again.

It is not him I miss. I miss the team. Or really the thought of the team. Someone that would take care of me for a night. Someone that would pick up some of the many pieces and assemble a little bit of a life that is in such disarray.

And yet, it is just me. Every day. Some days I fail. Today was one of those days.

But I can hope that tomorrow won't be one of those days. That the days where I fail more than I succeed are starting to become fewer. That I am making headway in a positive way. At least that is what I hope.

I don't want to live a life like my ex does. Discarding what is old, used, already been had. I don't treat everything with such casual disregard and disdain. But I'm telling you, some days this life of mine, is HARD. And there are times I am so not up to the task. The thought to just lay down and admit defeat is overwhelming

But I know that tomorrow will provide another opportunity for me to try again. Better this time. Or at least, somewhat good. That is what keeps me going. With the amount of failures I have had, success has got to be right around the corner.