At home manicure

Today I am going to tell you what I wish. Sure the obvious, peace, goodwill, a smaller ass, a hot guy, etc. etc.. But I really would like the ability to paint my fingernails that didn't have them look like I did it blindfolded and drunk.

Among my lack of talents is this one, and the ability to put eyeliner straight on one of my eyes. I forget which one it is, but one eye looks fine and one looks like it just left a 70's disco party.

I use a grow product on my nails and as long as I sit very still during the day and hold my hands straight out in front of me, my nails grow. It is a beautiful sight to see unfortunately I hardly remain still and therefore I have some really nice nails, and some that are just gone. I blame Olive.

So I enjoy painting them. I do not enjoy waiting for them to dry or painting the right hand. Both which factor predominately in the look I end up achieving. The blindfolded drunk look.

I would show you but then you would be frightened for the entire day and no one wants that. Plus, small girl children would never pick up nail polish in bubblegum colors and the world would be that much darker, I can't have that on my conscience. Other woman who have lovely dexterity and beautiful nails would comment about the ease of their nail painting and how it helped them win the lottery, lose 20 pounds and acquire the rich man of their dreams, and I am so not up to that. Just trust me when I say a 2 year old could paint their nails better than I can.

I start out well. The little pretty bottles all lined up in a row. The polish remover (which by the way, also removes paint from my desk would have been nice not to have spilled it) and cotton puffs waiting patiently. The filing doodad. Some water. And a mini marathon of NCIS on tivo (I TOTALLY love, love, love that show).

We start. All polished removed. ask the dogs to be quiet since I can't hear that cute Mark Harmon talking. Pause tivo to throw away the cotton puffs because they are making me dry heave. Drink water. Use filing doodad on the few remaining nails. Pause tivo because I really like a hair style on Ziva and I want to double check if there is anyway I can copy it. Decide never in this life and never with only my two hands, Sigh in disappointment. Start tivo. Put on base coat. Wipe base coat up off of desk. Wonder if at some point I should just tile the desk. Decide no, that seems hard. Shout at the dogs to be quiet since I can't hear that cute Mark Harmon talking. Put on colored nail polish on left hand. Hold it out in front of me and pretend I am at a ball. Accidentally knock hand on desk chair and ruin the polish on two nails. Remove polish from chair and nails. Re do two nails. Hold my hand perfectly still for what seems like 2 hours, in reality is about 30 seconds. Start on right hand. The left hand is totally a spaz at painting. Pause tivo to go and get the ENTIRE package of cotton puffs. Have the dry heaves as I try and clean the polish off of the first finger without removing the polish from the actual nail. No luck. Start tivo. Bellow at the dogs to be quiet since I can't hear that cute Mark Harmon talking. Give the evil eye to the left hand to knock off the bad painting and shape up. Finish the right hand. Clean the polish off of the desk. Decide tomorrow will need to decoupage a picture over the desk and buy cotton puffs. Wait for hands to dry. Wait 2 hours, or 30 seconds, I can't remember which it was. Put on top coat. Clean top coat from chair, desk and my pants. Finally done. Leave room to look at the nails under bright light. Gasp in total horror, who in the hell painted these things. Some blindfolded drunk women snuck in while I was staring at Mark Harmon and did my nails. I swear that left hand is laughing inside. Decide to just call this a new painting style.

The "Oh what a Spaz I am" style. Or "Mark Harmon is such a cutie, I couldn't be bothered to pay attention" style.