Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween!

One of the hardest things about living alone, is the Holidays. Oh, not the celebrating of the "big name ones" but the little ones. The ones that involve children, families, neighborhoods. That sort of thing.

Christmas and Thanksgiving are set. Everyone is home for that one.

But Halloween, Easter, 4th of July, my Birthday, the little ones.

When you have a family, especially little kids still in school everything gets celebrated. When you live alone, not so much.

I have decided that this year will be different. I have celebrated and decorated and cooked and crafted and, well, just threw myself into the party mode. I have decided that I am worth the effort.

When I was a kid everything was for "Company." The good food, the nice parents, the fancy dishes, the best of everything. It made you feel that you in and of yourself, weren't worth anything but someone that your parents had known ten whole minutes, were royalty. And as such, were treated just that way.

When I had a kid, I decided not to live like that. We celebrated everything, everyday. Even just Wednesday or Thursday or Monday or a sunny day or a rainy day. Everything involved the good dishes, the nice silverware, music, china, laughter, the joy of family.

After I lived alone it seemed too much effort. After all the dogs don't care if we decorate. It seemed like too much work for just one person.

This year I decided I didn't want to fall into that rut. I'm worth it. Grabbing a couple of carrot sticks and microwaving a Soup-In-The-Hand just wasn't cutting it. Sure I could be done with dinner in about 2 minutes flat, including cooking time, but what kind of life is that? And what am I saying about me? I'm nothing without a family? I'm just nothing? Nope, I wasn't going to go that route. No "Company" rules were going to take over my life.

The good china has come out. Meals are cooked and eaten at the dining table. Music is played. Sure, it is not the same but it is good. I like it. I like the decorating, the way the house feels warmer, cuter, homier. I like the carved pumpkin on the porch. I like the homemade cupcakes sitting on their stand. I like the smell of soup in the crockpot. I like it all.

The beginning of the saga

Yesterday was photo day for the dogs.

Time for their "Dress Up" Halloween debacle. Fun all around, I tell ya.

I know, I know, dogs don't like to be dressed up. But they do like food and water so they humor me.

I can't show you the final product yet, since I used it for the Halloween card for my kid and it has not arrived yet. Trust me, when I say it was not easy, and no one enjoyed themselves, not even a tiny bit.

Olive, the small exceptionally dim witted Bernese Mountain Dog, and Herbie, the small will do anything for food pug, were the cast and I, the lovely, caring, and oh so patient, was the director.

Like any good director. I had a vision. They like the two dim witted dogs they are, did not. Well, they may have had a vision, but it was not MY vision and therefore I was not considering it. They were hell bent that not only was I considering it, I was DOING it. Battle lines were drawn. The gauntlet was thrown.

Small chicken dog treats had been purchased, two Goodwill Halloween outfits had been obtained, the living room had been redesigned and it was go time.

Olive, masquerading as Ms. Pumpkin and Herbie, camouflaged as Mr. Ladybug, were dressed. I had the camera at the ready. Dog treats were in plain sight.

So far, so mediocre.

Olive decided that it had always been her dream to catch a ladybug. Maybe not a 17lb one, but sometimes a girl has to work with what she is given. How, Olive knew not, did it come to be that a ladybug was perched right next to her? In her sight, her smell, her couch? Glory be, Halloween is awesome, she thought. I will just politely nudge the small cute ladybug, just a little nudge to show how much I care. To show that I am indeed a lover of all nature, living and the deer poop kind.

Her nose moved closer, her eyes were closed in total love, her tail was whipping back and forth in delight, her pumpkin stem standing straight up on her head like a lighthouse. Her head moved.

It touched the ladybug.

A small sigh escaped her.

Ladybugs are awesome, she thought. Ladybugs are ........ WOW! big, fast, and pissed, she thought, as Mr. Ladybug had had enough of the photo shoot and had launched himself right on her chest.

Mr. Ladybug wasn't sure who was at fault for this most horrible of days, but he was going out on a limb and guessing the big pumpkin next to him had contributed to a large part of it.

The pumpkin was surprised, surprised to be wearing a ladybug on her chest. A ladybug holding on to the stem, the stem of the pumpkin. The pumpkin stood up, the ladybug dangled, still holding tightly. Nature had gone wild, JUST WILD, I tell ya.

The director was, what the hell was the director doing. Oh that's right, rolling on the floor with laughter.

Thanks

Have you ever run across a saying that is the EXACT way you feel?

Some random words put together in just the right way to finally give you meaning to your life? To surround you with a big fuzzy blanket. For you to say "OMG that is exactly correct."

I have.

Yesterday.

I have probably read, like a MILLION books, magazines, cereal boxes, billboards. All have enlightened me somewhat.

Yesterday, the whole friggin' sun landed in my living room.

Thank you Lee Child for giving me the sentence that has already changed my life.

Are ya ready?

"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face." I know, brilliant!

I have carried this around with me for two days now, two delicious days. Two days of feeling that finally I have been given the meaning of life. Not just life but MY life. My planned life. My fully planned, well thought-out, paved with nice new pavement, life

All day, I laugh and giggle. I had the plan for tea at Fred Meyer, all sold out. I like one kind of butter, not being carried in my neck of the woods any longer. Planned and Punched. Planned and Punched.

This has taken such a load off of me. I feel lighter, more carefree. Plus, it is just fun to say the sentence over and over again. Plan, punch, Plan, punch.

So, thank you Lee Child (and Jack Reacher), which by the way are absolutely great books and not just because he gave me the true meaning of life, but because he is a very good writer.

Thanks

Just thanks!

The path

So I'm here now. Where was I?

Life is hard. Single life is harder.

For a while I thought I just can't get the hang of this. Not quite sure what the "this" was, but it sure seemed I was missing out on something. It seems that the life I see other people leading made sense, had purpose, a direction of some sort. I seem to be twirling in circles, aimlessly, looking everywhere and finding nothing.

What was wrong with me?

It has slowly been dawning on me. I AM doing it. I do have the hang of this. Still have no idea what the "this" is, but I seem to be corralling it. Taming it. Calming it down. Calming me down. Hoping to eventually see what the "this" is.

Is it life? Is it the future? the past? me?

Over the last few weeks, I have found that the "this" is the here and now. The right this very minute. That is what I was missing. I kept thinking that tomorrow, next week, next month, it would be easier. It would make sense. The secret door would open and the grand prize would be revealed. I would win. Something that was better than a 10% off coupon that I receive from Safeway for a gas purchase. Something wonderful. Oh, man I couldn't wait.

It didn't arrive. I'm pretty sure the secret door opened but it just lead to another hard road. Another blind corner. Another truck barreling down on me. Another, another, another.

This, is, well, just life. I'm not doing it better or worse than the people I watched. I'm doing it different. Maybe the path I walk is harder, how the hell am I suppose to know. This is my path. The only path I have the full story on. The problem with people watching is that you just see the surface. You fill in the blanks, make the story line, You, not them. You can build them up with no problems with the Cinderella life, but you have no idea the baggage they carry. The weights that surround their necks.

That is what I was missing. That is what I didn't see. The years are going by. I am growing and changing. Doing better, doing worse, but more importantly doing. I have friends going through what I went through, almost three years ago now, I see the struggles, the disappointment, the fear. I remember it, oh my do I remember it well! I can help. I can be there. But ultimately it is something you go alone. It is something that you need to find in yourself. You have to travel the path, and while other people can go with you for a while eventually you will need to stand alone.

That is what I have figured out. Stand alone. Be proud of that, know that the life you are leading, good, hard, excellent, is just what you are suppose to be doing. The people around you are the supporting cast, but you, my friend, are the star.

The way to go.

I enjoy being single.

I enjoyed being married, in the beginning. I like being single more than I liked being married.

Being alone has never really bothered me, whereas being with someone else does (did) bother me. Someone to answer to, someone to decide things with, always another opinion, another argument, another agenda. Oh sure, it is a give and take kind of thing, but sometimes it is a tiring way to live. I don't miss that. I miss other things but they have become fewer and fewer over time. In fact it is hard some days to even REMEMBER what I miss.

Some people need, well, people. I happen to not be one of them. I like me much more than I like most people. I have friends here in town, friends to go to lunch with, friends to gossip with, friends to do book clubs with (even though I TOTALLY DESPISE book clubs and generally have taken to learning how to doze with my eyes open) friends to throw parties with, work at the food bank together. All the things one needs friends for, I have that. I just choose not to partake much.

It just doesn't thrill me like it seems to thrill most people. I have lots to do in my life and I prefer to just get on with it. If left to my own devices, I am busy and happy. But mostly happy. Maybe I was raised by wolves (if you knew my parents you would know that it is not beyond the realm of possibilities). Whatever the case is, people don't add to my day to day existence.

When I was in counseling I brought this up, was it a bad thing? a good thing? just a thing? The counselor seemed unperplexed by this fact. Can I be social? yes. Can I get along within the confines of society? yes. Do I always want to? absolutely not. We moved on to harder therapy questions.

Still within my town, it is the question I am regularly asked " Are you dating?" "Have you found a man?" " Are you looking to get married again? live with someone? have a long term relationship?" It is almost like being alone and happy is wrong. Quick, find someone, anyone. Get on with it, you are not getting any younger you know. Get back in the relationship cycle, show everyone that you are fine, that you have moved on and up, that you have bounced back.

I don't really care for it. Having another relationship doesn't say "Hey, look it wasn't me that made my marriage not work." Just like not having a relationship doesn't say "Hey, look it was me that made my marriage not work. I can't find anyone that is how bad I am."

I date, I enjoy it well enough. I'm funny, witty, intelligent, can hold up my end of a conversation. Sometimes it is enjoyable to have the companionship for a couple of hours, it is just more enjoyable to go home to my house, my routine, my life. All mine, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Yep, for me Single is definitely the way to go.

Porcupines

So having two dogs is a lot like having fourteen porcupines and a mongoose loose in your house. Ok, not the mongoose but I just reread Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and I am in a mongoose sort of mindset. And maybe a cobra or two, you know just for good measure. Anywhoo!

Talking about porcupines. They are sharp, not mind sharp, but pointy sharp. Olive is just like that, no mind that I can find but her toe nails slice up my feet every morning. That dog performs a toe dance like no other on my bare feet every live long day. The tops of my feet resemble an abstract painting of black, blue and yellow. Since it is not Halloween every day, this is not a look that I particularly care to sport.

I have now taken to flinging myself from my bed to the ottoman, then to the top of the tub, from there it is just a small scary shuffle to the shower, ALMOST home free, then a mad dash to the toilet, AWEEEEEE! almost made it, a thousand small needles are shoved into the top of my foot. Every day it goes like this, some days it is one foot, some days it is two feet.

And while I am trying to dance the jig away from 60 lbs of torture, the 17 lb sidekick is trying to scramble up my bare legs in his attempt to join the fray of fun. There is no glamorous way of systematically trying to leap into the air, yell "GET DOWN, DAMMIT (janet)", and hold in your bladder muscles that were the very thing that started this day of horror. Every morning it is a toss up to which catastrophe is most likely to occur; breaking my legs, killing a dog, killing my self, or my bladder just giving up idea that I may make it in time.

I feel like I am on an episode of man vs. beast and the man is loosing. In this case, woman. And I have opposable thumbs. I am supposed to be at the top of the food chain. The top I tell you! I don't drink out of the toilet, I remember the garbage man comes every Monday, I know when the heater kicks on we are not being brought down by invisible zombies and therefore I do not run head first into the wall.

So I guess the bigger question is "Who is really running this show? Me or the fourteen porcupines?"

I'm bettin' on the porcupines.

Just be

Ok I lied. I had planned to be back on Monday. I wrote the Post on Monday. Lost the Internet on Monday. So that is that.

That sums up living in a small town in a nutshell. Never, EVER, make plans. Fix your hair, gale force winds. Wear cute shoes, the town will flood. Want a grilled cheese sandwich, out of bread. I am always totally surprised at the length this town will go to just to deny you the very thing you want the most.

Winter has descended on us with a vengeance. Entire trees are being tumbled in the ocean like toothpicks. Hail has beaten the crap out of the last remaining flowers. We have had our annual rainfall in one day. The high winds make the dogs yodel. We have started to go to bed at 2:45 pm since it is dark out.

The force that is Winter at the coast, is always such a surprise at the start. By November it will be an old hat but now it is terrifying and exciting. Watching the ocean that is so peaceful and friendly in the summer turn mean and vicious is a sight to behold. The waves pick up the boulders from the shore and fling them onto the road like small pebbles. The next wave picks them back up and hurls them into the grassy part of my yard. Trees tumble and roll like a surfer just learning to catch a wave. Sometimes the ocean deposits them straight up into the sand, as if to say "We are putting our Christmas Tree up early this year" and the next wave shouts "Oh no, not before Thanksgiving" and back into the frothy water goes the tree. Over and over this scenario is played.

Then a calmness comes, the clouds part, the moon and stars shine like sparkly diamonds in the sky, the ocean relaxes, the seagulls walk the shore glowing white from the moon and everyone relaxes.

The dogs sleep on the sofa peacefully. The parakeets have stopped fluttering around. I feel calm, safe, secure and lucky. Oh, so lucky.

Then BOOM, it all starts again.

On and on it goes. Day in and day out. I watch and wait, back and forth, calm and vicious, lows and highs. Just like my days. That is what the ocean teaches me, highs and lows, fight and rail against things, anything; relax and go with the flow, any flow. Just be.

For though it seems like it will always be this way, it won't. Better or worse, who knows, who cares. The here and now is pretty awesome.

Oh, lucky me!