Porcupines

So having two dogs is a lot like having fourteen porcupines and a mongoose loose in your house. Ok, not the mongoose but I just reread Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and I am in a mongoose sort of mindset. And maybe a cobra or two, you know just for good measure. Anywhoo!

Talking about porcupines. They are sharp, not mind sharp, but pointy sharp. Olive is just like that, no mind that I can find but her toe nails slice up my feet every morning. That dog performs a toe dance like no other on my bare feet every live long day. The tops of my feet resemble an abstract painting of black, blue and yellow. Since it is not Halloween every day, this is not a look that I particularly care to sport.

I have now taken to flinging myself from my bed to the ottoman, then to the top of the tub, from there it is just a small scary shuffle to the shower, ALMOST home free, then a mad dash to the toilet, AWEEEEEE! almost made it, a thousand small needles are shoved into the top of my foot. Every day it goes like this, some days it is one foot, some days it is two feet.

And while I am trying to dance the jig away from 60 lbs of torture, the 17 lb sidekick is trying to scramble up my bare legs in his attempt to join the fray of fun. There is no glamorous way of systematically trying to leap into the air, yell "GET DOWN, DAMMIT (janet)", and hold in your bladder muscles that were the very thing that started this day of horror. Every morning it is a toss up to which catastrophe is most likely to occur; breaking my legs, killing a dog, killing my self, or my bladder just giving up idea that I may make it in time.

I feel like I am on an episode of man vs. beast and the man is loosing. In this case, woman. And I have opposable thumbs. I am supposed to be at the top of the food chain. The top I tell you! I don't drink out of the toilet, I remember the garbage man comes every Monday, I know when the heater kicks on we are not being brought down by invisible zombies and therefore I do not run head first into the wall.

So I guess the bigger question is "Who is really running this show? Me or the fourteen porcupines?"

I'm bettin' on the porcupines.