The path

So I'm here now. Where was I?

Life is hard. Single life is harder.

For a while I thought I just can't get the hang of this. Not quite sure what the "this" was, but it sure seemed I was missing out on something. It seems that the life I see other people leading made sense, had purpose, a direction of some sort. I seem to be twirling in circles, aimlessly, looking everywhere and finding nothing.

What was wrong with me?

It has slowly been dawning on me. I AM doing it. I do have the hang of this. Still have no idea what the "this" is, but I seem to be corralling it. Taming it. Calming it down. Calming me down. Hoping to eventually see what the "this" is.

Is it life? Is it the future? the past? me?

Over the last few weeks, I have found that the "this" is the here and now. The right this very minute. That is what I was missing. I kept thinking that tomorrow, next week, next month, it would be easier. It would make sense. The secret door would open and the grand prize would be revealed. I would win. Something that was better than a 10% off coupon that I receive from Safeway for a gas purchase. Something wonderful. Oh, man I couldn't wait.

It didn't arrive. I'm pretty sure the secret door opened but it just lead to another hard road. Another blind corner. Another truck barreling down on me. Another, another, another.

This, is, well, just life. I'm not doing it better or worse than the people I watched. I'm doing it different. Maybe the path I walk is harder, how the hell am I suppose to know. This is my path. The only path I have the full story on. The problem with people watching is that you just see the surface. You fill in the blanks, make the story line, You, not them. You can build them up with no problems with the Cinderella life, but you have no idea the baggage they carry. The weights that surround their necks.

That is what I was missing. That is what I didn't see. The years are going by. I am growing and changing. Doing better, doing worse, but more importantly doing. I have friends going through what I went through, almost three years ago now, I see the struggles, the disappointment, the fear. I remember it, oh my do I remember it well! I can help. I can be there. But ultimately it is something you go alone. It is something that you need to find in yourself. You have to travel the path, and while other people can go with you for a while eventually you will need to stand alone.

That is what I have figured out. Stand alone. Be proud of that, know that the life you are leading, good, hard, excellent, is just what you are suppose to be doing. The people around you are the supporting cast, but you, my friend, are the star.

The way to go.

I enjoy being single.

I enjoyed being married, in the beginning. I like being single more than I liked being married.

Being alone has never really bothered me, whereas being with someone else does (did) bother me. Someone to answer to, someone to decide things with, always another opinion, another argument, another agenda. Oh sure, it is a give and take kind of thing, but sometimes it is a tiring way to live. I don't miss that. I miss other things but they have become fewer and fewer over time. In fact it is hard some days to even REMEMBER what I miss.

Some people need, well, people. I happen to not be one of them. I like me much more than I like most people. I have friends here in town, friends to go to lunch with, friends to gossip with, friends to do book clubs with (even though I TOTALLY DESPISE book clubs and generally have taken to learning how to doze with my eyes open) friends to throw parties with, work at the food bank together. All the things one needs friends for, I have that. I just choose not to partake much.

It just doesn't thrill me like it seems to thrill most people. I have lots to do in my life and I prefer to just get on with it. If left to my own devices, I am busy and happy. But mostly happy. Maybe I was raised by wolves (if you knew my parents you would know that it is not beyond the realm of possibilities). Whatever the case is, people don't add to my day to day existence.

When I was in counseling I brought this up, was it a bad thing? a good thing? just a thing? The counselor seemed unperplexed by this fact. Can I be social? yes. Can I get along within the confines of society? yes. Do I always want to? absolutely not. We moved on to harder therapy questions.

Still within my town, it is the question I am regularly asked " Are you dating?" "Have you found a man?" " Are you looking to get married again? live with someone? have a long term relationship?" It is almost like being alone and happy is wrong. Quick, find someone, anyone. Get on with it, you are not getting any younger you know. Get back in the relationship cycle, show everyone that you are fine, that you have moved on and up, that you have bounced back.

I don't really care for it. Having another relationship doesn't say "Hey, look it wasn't me that made my marriage not work." Just like not having a relationship doesn't say "Hey, look it was me that made my marriage not work. I can't find anyone that is how bad I am."

I date, I enjoy it well enough. I'm funny, witty, intelligent, can hold up my end of a conversation. Sometimes it is enjoyable to have the companionship for a couple of hours, it is just more enjoyable to go home to my house, my routine, my life. All mine, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Yep, for me Single is definitely the way to go.

Porcupines

So having two dogs is a lot like having fourteen porcupines and a mongoose loose in your house. Ok, not the mongoose but I just reread Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and I am in a mongoose sort of mindset. And maybe a cobra or two, you know just for good measure. Anywhoo!

Talking about porcupines. They are sharp, not mind sharp, but pointy sharp. Olive is just like that, no mind that I can find but her toe nails slice up my feet every morning. That dog performs a toe dance like no other on my bare feet every live long day. The tops of my feet resemble an abstract painting of black, blue and yellow. Since it is not Halloween every day, this is not a look that I particularly care to sport.

I have now taken to flinging myself from my bed to the ottoman, then to the top of the tub, from there it is just a small scary shuffle to the shower, ALMOST home free, then a mad dash to the toilet, AWEEEEEE! almost made it, a thousand small needles are shoved into the top of my foot. Every day it goes like this, some days it is one foot, some days it is two feet.

And while I am trying to dance the jig away from 60 lbs of torture, the 17 lb sidekick is trying to scramble up my bare legs in his attempt to join the fray of fun. There is no glamorous way of systematically trying to leap into the air, yell "GET DOWN, DAMMIT (janet)", and hold in your bladder muscles that were the very thing that started this day of horror. Every morning it is a toss up to which catastrophe is most likely to occur; breaking my legs, killing a dog, killing my self, or my bladder just giving up idea that I may make it in time.

I feel like I am on an episode of man vs. beast and the man is loosing. In this case, woman. And I have opposable thumbs. I am supposed to be at the top of the food chain. The top I tell you! I don't drink out of the toilet, I remember the garbage man comes every Monday, I know when the heater kicks on we are not being brought down by invisible zombies and therefore I do not run head first into the wall.

So I guess the bigger question is "Who is really running this show? Me or the fourteen porcupines?"

I'm bettin' on the porcupines.

Just be

Ok I lied. I had planned to be back on Monday. I wrote the Post on Monday. Lost the Internet on Monday. So that is that.

That sums up living in a small town in a nutshell. Never, EVER, make plans. Fix your hair, gale force winds. Wear cute shoes, the town will flood. Want a grilled cheese sandwich, out of bread. I am always totally surprised at the length this town will go to just to deny you the very thing you want the most.

Winter has descended on us with a vengeance. Entire trees are being tumbled in the ocean like toothpicks. Hail has beaten the crap out of the last remaining flowers. We have had our annual rainfall in one day. The high winds make the dogs yodel. We have started to go to bed at 2:45 pm since it is dark out.

The force that is Winter at the coast, is always such a surprise at the start. By November it will be an old hat but now it is terrifying and exciting. Watching the ocean that is so peaceful and friendly in the summer turn mean and vicious is a sight to behold. The waves pick up the boulders from the shore and fling them onto the road like small pebbles. The next wave picks them back up and hurls them into the grassy part of my yard. Trees tumble and roll like a surfer just learning to catch a wave. Sometimes the ocean deposits them straight up into the sand, as if to say "We are putting our Christmas Tree up early this year" and the next wave shouts "Oh no, not before Thanksgiving" and back into the frothy water goes the tree. Over and over this scenario is played.

Then a calmness comes, the clouds part, the moon and stars shine like sparkly diamonds in the sky, the ocean relaxes, the seagulls walk the shore glowing white from the moon and everyone relaxes.

The dogs sleep on the sofa peacefully. The parakeets have stopped fluttering around. I feel calm, safe, secure and lucky. Oh, so lucky.

Then BOOM, it all starts again.

On and on it goes. Day in and day out. I watch and wait, back and forth, calm and vicious, lows and highs. Just like my days. That is what the ocean teaches me, highs and lows, fight and rail against things, anything; relax and go with the flow, any flow. Just be.

For though it seems like it will always be this way, it won't. Better or worse, who knows, who cares. The here and now is pretty awesome.

Oh, lucky me!

Here I come again

Starting on Monday, I am back. New and Improved. Ok, not really but at least back.

Relationships

I am in a relationship.

When I was younger, I used to dream about a guy that would make my heart beat faster, make my thoughts all steamy, make me draw little hearts on my pee-chee with our initials inside. I never found that, even when I was married my heart never beat faster and I am pretty sure I never drew a heart.

Now, finally, I have that. Finished pressure washing the deck, love cursed through my veins. New windows installed, I had the vapors and needed to lie down. The words "French Drain" mean more to me than the words "I will love you forever." I have dreams that involve driveway sealer that I swear are racy and frankly make my heart beat faster.

The words "I will start and finish in three days time" are equal to a three-carat diamond. The newly trimmed trees look like filet mignon without the calories. I draw little hearts with tile layouts in them. I look at new toilets and plan how to ask it for a date, a date with my house, a full time, lasting relationship. Is it appropriate to send out cards announcing the new relationship or is it too early still?

I know the people at the Home Depot store on a first name basis and will name my next pet "Depot", or maybe myself, still unclear about that. I can daydream for hours in the caulking aisle. I do a happy dance going down the nail/screw section. Power tools make me drool. Don't even mention the words "electrical outside outlet" unless you want to see a middle-aged woman cry in joy.

Yep, this relationship is working out just dandy. Home repair relationships are the best.

Oh, and the guy I now see, pretty wonderful as well.

Here I am

Home repair has been my nightmare of choice lately.

I fix one thing, three more break. I can't keep up with the calls to the repair men without little yellow post-it notes stuck over me like a Pin the tail on the Donkey game.

The fire place now works, the shower still a no go. Most of the deck is pressure washed, stained, not so much. Tree in backyard is trimmed, trees in front yard run amok. New windows are being installed today, one giant bedroom window broke and now vacuuming will ensue.

*sigh*

Money flies out of my checking account when I am not looking, and probably even as I watch, which I don't.

Olive has hip dysplasia and requires constant meds along with therapy. The bills come and go. More bills come and these stay awhile, like dead fish.

And yet with all the chaos, I remain happy. Which surprises me to no end. How can I be happy when I seem to be circling around a drain? Is a garbage disposal in my future? Yet, I am happy. Not like winning the lottery, beautiful new purse, or sunny, warm day happy but still a feeling of contentment resides with me.

Next month it will be one year since I moved to this little town. I miss Seattle, more than I thought I would and while I enjoy Seaside, I don't believe this is where I will end up. I think that is what makes me happy, that change no longer seems so scary, so hard. Instead it seems exciting and the possibilities remain open because I remain open. I like that - I LOVE that.

One thing is for certain though, the next house will have new windows that I do not have to install.