Let's go Parking!

I suck at Parking.

Pull in parking, parallel parking and my most hated of all, back in at a angle parking.

The pull in parking is the only one I have a chance in hell of achieving victory with. Even then it needs to be the just right spot. Neither of the other automobiles shall be touching or really even near the white line. No giant monster truck shall be by me or behind me, in fact, get off of my floor altogether. I will not park next to any vehicle where major parts are held on by duct tape. Or any bumper sticker that starts with "My (insert dog breed of your choice here) is smarter than your honor student." Especially if said bumper sticker is half way pulled off. Did you get a different breed? Did you find out that honor students are actual people and you have a dog, oh it may be brilliant, but it is still a dog.

The best spots are the ones where no cars are on either side of me. That is like winning the lottery for me. I can open my doors all the way and actually vacate my vehicle normally, as opposed to the open door 4 milliliters, curse your hips, try to squeeze hips the size of watermelons out the opening the size of a lemon, curse your hips, louder, shimmy, shimmy, and finally emerge victories! Only to discover, you have left your purse on the back seat and must now do it all over again. Curse your hips and your lack of brain remembering power.

But at least the car is in a spot.

Parallel parking, not going to happen in my life, EVER. I didn't pass it almost 30 years ago on the driver's test and time has not been a friend in this instance. I have good intentions, I line up my car with the one ahead of the parking spot and then all hell breaks loose. I turn too wide, I turn too sharp, I drive up on the curb, I run into the curb with my car at a lovely 45 degree angle. By now I have traffic backed up for a good mile and I am pretty sure all that long distance honking, is for my benefit. I have had people knock on my window, and actually offer to park my car for me. My kid begs me to just let it go, admit defeat and drive on but I consider it to be a challenge. Daunting, sure. Unachievable, never. And yet, I have never once achieved it. Not even close. I continue to try and I continue to fail. Today, another attempt and another horrifying failure, only I almost got taken out by a fish delivery truck. Who, by the way, parallel parked his ENTIRE TRUCK, just to be a giant show off.

I may be admitting defeat.

On back in angle parking, I admit defeat. If driving forward is a challenge for me, driving backwards and at a angle, is a suicide mission. I can't remember which way you turn the wheel to go left, which way you turn to go right, and with all the screaming from the kid, I simply cannot focus. Therefore, in Seattle, whole neighborhoods have gone undiscovered, due to the horrible angle parking situation. I take a look around, judge the parking and then head home.

It is good to realize one's limitations. Awsome person. Sucky parker. Fine, I'll take it.