I am a thief

Monday morning:

Kid up and fed and out the door. Anyone with kids, knows this is no easy feat. Some mornings dynamite couldn't get that kid out the door on time. Everything is misplaced, lost, or stolen. Cell phone is dead. Keys have gone mysteriously missing. Wallet has been stolen. Shoes have left the closet on their own volition. 27 coats have migrated somewhere, not on the hanger obviously. The list is endless but it contains one common thread, IT IS NOT HIS FAULT!.

For a while I played the game, "whose fault might it be?", I would ask in a calm manner. Even at the most, there was only three people who resided in the home. Add in some pets, and you had 1 dog, 2 cats, the hated birds, and salt water fish. Now we have two people. And if he didn't do it, well, that left just me.

Yep, just me.

And from the looks of it, I have a serious stealing problem.

Good news on the theft front, I don't steal from actual stores. Oh no, I contain my thievery to my OWN HOME. More good news, I don't steal my own things. Just his.

And I am unaware that I do this.

Today alone, I took, his shoes from the closet, his car keys from the key rack, and his cell phone that was left RIGHT HERE.

I do this just to annoy him. I moved the shoes from the closet to one under his bed and the other in his bathroom. I moved the car keys to his pants pocket. And truly evil kleptomaniac that I am, moved the cell phone to his book bag.

I am just funny that way. Obviously I get my joy in the oddest way possible.

This is an ongoing battle.

Most of the time it starts with some serious running all around the home looking for something. Really not much looking is going on, it is just running back and forth by which ever room I am in, until I finally, out of concern for my floors, ask "Are you looking for something?" At which case one of two things happen. One, the item just happens to fall from the sky and land on him, in which case crisis adverted. Two, a voice that can be heard by the entire neighborhood, announces that IT IS JUST GONE! JUST GONE! IT WAS RIGHT HERE! AND NOW IT HAS JUST DISAPPEARED! DID YOU TAKE IT?

I always have this moment where I just hope the floor will reach up and swallow me, because no matter what I say next, it will be wrong. Not slightly wrong but horribly and stupidly the wrongest thing you could say in a moment like this.

I can say anything and it will be met with utter anger. So I go with, "Let me help you find said item." I then get up and am followed by a seething giant, while I look and he follows behind me with his mantra. "WHY WOULD IT BE THERE? I JUST LOOKED THERE? YOU TOOK IT DIDN'T YOU? THE DOG CHEWED IT UP. YOU THREW IT AWAY, ON PURPOSE. YOU MOVED IT FROM THE COUCH BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS INSIST THAT WE USE THE COUCH FOR ACTUALLY SITTING ON."

A joy, I tell you, just pure joy. And this happens about 30 times a day. Sometimes with less involvement on my part, because I have locked myself in my bedroom and refuse to help.

Oh, said item is always found. Just where he left it. Not me, him.

It is a major catastrophe for him to lose anything. I could lose my entire person and you would be hard pressed to get him to look. I lose anything in this house the same sentence is used. A sentence that if I used would probably cause him to fall to the ground in disbelief and total horror.

"Why can't you put your stuff where it belongs?"