I need sleep

So it is late in the middle of the night, and yet again I can't sleep.

Insomnia. What a nightmare. Since everything fell apart in my life, my sleep patterns have left the building. I can't sleep. I'm tired when I go to bed. Tired when I turn out the lights. And then BAM! my brain decides to relive every past experience, my eyes fly open and I retrace my steps. Every night, same story.

During the day, I can't get anything accomplished. I can't focus. My mind wanders and I catch myself staring at nothing. I bump into things. I drop things. I bruise myself almost every day. I know it is because I am so tired.

I had some sleeping pills prescribed and for a while sleep was mine. The insurance company, in all their all mighty wisdom, pays for 13 days a month of sleeping pills. 13 days of sleep. The rest of the month, weaning yourself off the sleeping pills while you stay awake all night.

Hot baths. Hot milk (bluck!). Cold room. Lavender spray on my pillows and sheets. Totally dark room. Exercising regularly. Eating right. No caffeine. Nothing works, Nothing changes.

It is like my mind wants or maybe needs to, replay the entire scenario of my life over and over again. Should have done this. What if I had said this. Where am I going? What am I doing?

Nothing gets resolved. I lay and watch the clock numbers change, one by one. I watch the dark outside become light. I listen to the dogs snore and make rumbling noises. I hear the waves crashing on the shore. I know at some point I fall asleep since the alarm wakes me up. But I feel so tired, so bone numbing tired.

Stress is beating the life out of me. I need some sort of release. Some sort of peace at night. Some way to turn off my mind. Some way to come to grips with not having the answers, of never having the answers. Some way of the questions to stop being asked of me.

I need sleep.