Surprise!

For the next few weeks I will be blogging in the categories of "Maybe" or "Maybe Not."

I have the kid graduating. I need to pack and move. I need to get all settled into the new/old house. I am already exhausted but Oh, so super excited!

My sister comes next week for a few days and we are going to have the most awesome of times.

Everything is rapidly changing and though I knew it was coming, it has hit with a force rarely seen in this life.

The ex still doesn't have a job. Still has no prospects and that is terrifying. He is flailing. A year ago, I would have rushed right in to help out, to save him, to be the support he needs. Now the new me feels dismay but I realize it is not my problem. I can't save the world. I can't even save him. It is hard to watch. Sometimes I think that is the sign of change. The change isn't something that can always be seen, instead it is a different way of thinking. A different way of acting and reacting. So easy to say, so hard to achieve.

Now I walk around this house of mine. I remember moments. I think about the hopes and dreams that came to this house. The family that resided here, just like so many before us, and hopefully the many after us as well. The rooms press down on me. The memories overwhelm me until I can't breathe. I try and remain strong, yet I feel weak and wobbly. Sadness is around me. I don't want to change. I want to have back what I lost. I want the plans that were supposed to happen. I want. . . . but then the thought is gone.

The moment passes and just like I believe it will happen over and over again, I feel strong and happy again. Maybe I'm not going to know where this ride will take me, only that I am right where I need to be. It could be like those age old riddles, the chicken or the egg?, nurture vs. nature, is the future fixed in stone or is their wiggle room? Who knows? I certainly don't. And I don't want to.

I don't like surprises. I like the knowing, the planning, the outcome. But in this case, surprise away. This time I'm ready, willing and able to handle the surprise. So June will be one big SURPRISE after another. Turns out, I'm fine with that.