Dating is so much fun!

I have decided it is time to date. After speaking to other women about their ventures back into the dating pool, I have decided to join a on-line dating service.

I tried this a few months ago and it didn't really work out for me. I am picky and I think all the contestants lie. After filling out the questionnaire, it basically ended up with me sounding like I wanted to have a bunch of sex in hotel rooms and read books.

I tried again and ended up wanting to go to hotel rooms with books and no guys. After reading my profile even I didn't want to go out with me. How can you really describe yourself? If I put the truth, I sound boring. If I lie, I could end up camping or some horrible fishing trip. I don't like nature. I do like 5 stars hotel. I like shopping. I don't like shooting, or cooking dead elk/moose/deer/squirrel/duck. I don't want to ride on motorcycle so I end up with big hair and bugs in my teeth.

I want you to be tall and funny. I like coffee, you should too. I spend quite a bit of time at Starbucks. Please like books and newspapers. No, USA today does not count.

It is hard. These sites nickel and dime you to death. Extra fee for photos. Extra free they will write your boring profile into something exciting and captivating. Extra fee they will move you to the front of the page. I want the extra fee part where all the hot guys are. Or the extra fee for the normal guys. I have yet to find those pages.

I feel like I want to say I have my own teeth. I can still trot pretty well but I have spent some time being a brood mare, so there is no little filly body here. I don't want to have more kids. I don't want to farm. A perfect dinner out does not include dining in my car at Taco Bell. Even if you can burp the alphabet, I don't want to know and I especially don't want to hear it. I won't watch car racing, golf or bowling on tv. On the plus side, I don't care for girly movies and I could give a crap about feelings. I can paint my own toe nails and I always think I look great in whatever I wear, so the question "Does my ass look big in this?" will never be uttered.

My favorite are the guys who are big but want a little itty bitty thing. Or the 49 year old guys looking for the 18-25 year old women. It is nice to have dreams. Or the 55 year old who want to have additional children. Dating at my age is pretty much a tap dance party through a loaded mine field. It simply can't end well.

Maybe I will wait. After all I haven't even given the pretty coat a try yet. Maybe I will being walking down the beach and the perfect guy will be walking the other way. With my luck, I will promptly fall into a tide pool and look just like a giant ass. But at least I will be keeping it real.