They do live forever

I share my world with a wonderful son, and a black pug. Plus, some assorted fish and two truly horrible parakeets. The parakeets I own so I wouldn't have to have any more cats. What a tragic mistake that was. After our last cat passed away, at age 16, I really didn't want to go the whole litter box, scratching furniture, annoying the dog route. Someone told me "birds are the way to go, they sound cheerful, look pretty, and don't have a very long life span" Perfect! Bought a giant cage, two parakeets and we were off to the races.

I like to imagine I am intelligent. I get through my day relatively unscathed. Oh, I know if you asked the boy I reside with, my intelligence is questionable at the very least. But he is 18 and we all know at 18 you wonder how your parents even breathe without you there to supervise. So I don't take that to heart.

But seriously, what was I thinking! These birds will be the death of me. It has been 8 years. 8 long, horrible, trying years with these things. Capt'n Jack Sparrow and Ms. Tweeters, maybe they are horrible because of their names. Poor thing being called Ms. Tweeters, how do you live up to that? She (or he, I have no idea) probably saw herself as a Audrey, a Katherine, but no she was saddled with Ms. Tweeters, not even a first name to speak off. And the other one, how does he (or she, again, truly a mystery at this house) feel about being named after a Disney ride?

I have tried. They reside in the McMansions of cages. It is made for parrots and is huge. The entire toy world resides in their cage. They have organic bird seed. Clean bedding. And they hate it all. Every last thing. If you put your hand in there, they will try and take off your finger. For being so small and well, bird like, those tiny beaks HURT. And they use them often and meanly. I bought the books, tried to tame them, it was a no go. They want no part of this human life. As it turns out, parakeets live long, very long, very, very long. They delight in throwing seed shells over every part of my family room. Chirping at the top of their little voices every time the TV is turned on. The TV volume goes up, the bird volume goes up, it is a bloody war over volume. If they even see the vacuum, it is a major catastrophe. They screech and fly in a manic attempt to abandon the ship, they fling themselves in the seed bowls and hurl seeds at a wicked pace, rip the bedding off of the cage and throw it. And the vacuum is not EVEN STOPPING IN THE FAMILY ROOM! I use the broom in there. Though sometimes, because I am a small person, I do check the hose width and dream that a small bird could "Accidentally" be sucked into the vacuum.

Though it has not been in vain, owning these things. I have taught them something. Other people are gifted with words, but I figured anyone (of course, not me) could teach their birds to say "Hello" "Pretty Bird" and other simple sayings. Mine have learned the TIVO sound. Yep, every flippin' second of the day, they are down stairs mocking me with the TIVO beep. So when people come to the house and see all the books, and I smile and say "Oh, I read all the time, why yes I have read War and Peace, in its entirety" The two most ungrateful creatures known to man start with a crescendo of TIVO beeps, and my cover is blown. Then I go to my back up plan, blame the kid.

So the next time something in my home dies of old age, I am closing my ears to advice about pets. If you enjoy your mongoose, alligator, lizards, snakes, or hippos, just keep it to yourself.